Separation can be difficult enough without communication completely breaking down.
Perhaps your ex ignores your messages. Every conversation may turn into an argument. You might only receive a response when it suits them, or you may have reached the point where you no longer feel able to speak to each other without conflict.
When there are children, finances, property or other practical arrangements to sort out, a lack of communication can leave you wondering:
What am I supposed to do if my ex will not communicate with me?
The important thing to understand is that you do not necessarily have to solve the communication problem between you before you can start looking for a way forward.
Family mediation may provide a structured way to discuss the issues that need to be resolved, even when direct communication has become extremely difficult.
Why Has Communication Broken Down?
Former partners may struggle to communicate for many reasons after separation.
One person may still be processing what has happened. There may be anger, resentment, hurt or mistrust. In other situations, communication may have gradually deteriorated because almost every conversation has become focused on disagreements.
You may find that:
- messages are regularly ignored
- conversations quickly become arguments
- you cannot agree about the children
- discussions about money go nowhere
- one of you avoids difficult conversations
- messages become accusatory or confrontational
- communication only happens through friends or relatives
- you have stopped communicating altogether
Trying to resolve important family arrangements in this environment can be exhausting.
This is one situation where family mediation may be worth considering.
Can Mediation Help If My Ex Won’t Talk to Me?
Potentially, yes.
You don’t need to communicate well with your former partner before approaching a mediator.
In fact, communication difficulties are often one reason people consider mediation in the first place.
A family mediator is an independent, impartial professional who helps people identify the issues that need discussion and supports them in exploring possible arrangements.
The mediator does not take sides and will not decide who is right or wrong.
Instead, mediation provides a more structured environment for conversations.
Depending on your circumstances, discussions might include:
Children
Where the children live, when they spend time with each parent, holidays, school arrangements and other parenting decisions.
Finances
Property, savings, debts, pensions and other financial matters following separation or divorce.
Ongoing communication
How information about children or other shared responsibilities could be communicated in the future.
What If My Ex Ignores All My Messages?
If repeated messages receive no response, sending more messages may not improve the situation.
Where appropriate and safe, keeping communication brief, factual and focused on the specific issue can help.
For example, instead of revisiting previous disagreements, communication might concentrate on a practical question such as a child’s collection time or information that needs to be shared.
However, you do not have to keep trying indefinitely before seeking information about mediation.
You can contact a mediation service yourself.
Can I Start Mediation Without My Ex?
You can make the initial enquiry yourself.
You do not need your former partner’s permission to contact a family mediator or arrange your own initial meeting.
The first stage will often involve a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM).
A MIAM usually takes place individually rather than with your former partner.
It lets you explain what has been happening, learn more about mediation, and discuss whether mediation may be appropriate for your circumstances.
You therefore don’t need to sit in the same room — physical or virtual — as your ex to find out what your options are.
What If My Ex Refuses Mediation?
Family mediation is a voluntary process.
A mediator cannot force your former partner to negotiate or reach an agreement.
However, refusing to communicate directly with you doesn’t necessarily mean they will refuse mediation.
Receiving an invitation from an independent mediation service can feel very different from receiving another message from an ex-partner.
It introduces a neutral third party and gives both people an opportunity to understand what mediation involves before deciding whether they are prepared to participate.
If your former partner does not wish to proceed, the mediator can explain the options available to you and, where applicable, the next steps concerning the relevant MIAM documentation.
Do We Have to Sit in the Same Room?
Not necessarily.
Family mediation can be organised in different ways.
Online Mediation
Sessions can often take place remotely by video call, meaning you do not need to travel to the same physical location.
Shuttle Mediation
In some circumstances, shuttle mediation may be considered.
This involves each person communicating with the mediator separately rather than speaking directly to one another during the session.
The mediator moves between the parties and helps facilitate the discussion.
This can sometimes be useful where direct communication is particularly difficult, although the mediator will need to assess whether mediation is suitable for the circumstances.
What If We Have Children Together?
Communication difficulties can become particularly challenging when you still need to make decisions about your children.
You may need to discuss:
- where your children will live
- time spent with each parent
- weekends and overnight stays
- school holidays
- Christmas and birthdays
- collection and drop-off arrangements
- education
- healthcare
- introducing new partners
- communication about the children
- child maintenance
Mediation can provide a space to discuss these practical arrangements while keeping the focus on the children’s needs and future arrangements rather than trying to resolve every disagreement from the relationship.
A parenting plan may also help parents record arrangements and set clearer expectations for how parenting will work after separation.
What If My Ex Uses the Children to Communicate With Me?
Children should not have to carry adult messages or feel responsible for resolving disagreements between their parents.
If communication has deteriorated to the point where children are regularly being asked to pass messages between households, this can be something to discuss during mediation.
The aim may be to establish a more appropriate way for the adults to communicate.
For example, parents might discuss using email, text or another agreed method for essential information concerning their children.
The arrangements will depend on the individual family.
What If Every Conversation Turns Into an Argument?
You do not have to recreate those arguments during mediation.
A mediator helps keep discussions focused on the issues that need to be addressed and can intervene when conversations become unproductive.
Mediation is not relationship counselling, and its purpose is not necessarily to repair the relationship.
Instead, it can help separated couples discuss the decisions that still need to be made.
That distinction can be particularly helpful when the personal relationship has ended, but practical responsibilities remain.
What If I Don’t Feel Safe Communicating With My Ex?
This is important.
Mediation is not automatically suitable for every family.
If there has been domestic abuse, intimidation, coercive or controlling behaviour, threats or other safety concerns, tell the mediator during your initial conversation or MIAM.
The mediator should consider whether mediation is appropriate and what safeguards, if any, would be required.
You should not feel pressured into direct communication with someone where doing so would put you at risk.
Will Mediation Force My Ex to Agree With Me?
No.
A mediator does not impose a decision on either person.
The mediator’s role is to facilitate discussion and help both parties explore whether they can reach workable arrangements.
This means mediation cannot guarantee that you will reach an agreement.
However, it can provide a structured opportunity to discuss matters that may have become impossible to resolve through direct communication.
Are Agreements Reached in Mediation Legally Binding?
Mediation itself does not automatically turn the arrangements you discuss into a court order.
Depending on the type of agreement reached, you may be able to take further legal steps to make particular arrangements legally binding.
The National Family Mediation Helpline mediator can explain the full process. At the same time, independent legal advice can help you understand the legal effect of any proposed agreement and whether additional documentation or a court order may be appropriate.
Do I Have to Try Mediation Before Going to Family Court?
In many family court cases in England and Wales, you are normally expected to attend a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM) before making certain applications to the Family Court, unless an exemption applies.
Attending a MIAM does not mean you have agreed to mediation.
It is an opportunity to receive information about mediation and other ways to resolve the dispute, and for the mediator to consider whether mediation is appropriate.
If mediation is unsuitable or cannot proceed, the mediator can explain what happens next.
What If My Ex Still Won’t Communicate?
Sometimes mediation cannot progress because one person is unwilling to participate.
That does not mean you have to remain stuck indefinitely.
You can still learn about your options and decide your next step.
The important thing is to avoid assuming that nothing can happen simply because your former partner will not respond to you.
You can take the first step yourself.
How the National Mediation Helpline Can Help
If communication between you and your former partner has broken down, the National Mediation Helpline can help you understand the family mediation process and connect you with an appropriate mediator.
You can ask about:
- Family Mediation
- MIAMs
- Child Arrangements
- Financial Mediation
- Parenting Plans
- Online Mediation
- Shuttle Mediation
- Legal Aid
- The Family Mediation Voucher Scheme
You do not need to have everything worked out before making contact.
Sometimes the first step is simply finding out your options.
Speak to Someone About Your Situation
Is your ex refusing to communicate?
Are you struggling to make arrangements for your children?
Have discussions about finances or property stalled?
You do not have to wait for communication to improve before seeking information and support.
Contact the National Mediation Helpline to discuss your circumstances and find out whether family mediation may be appropriate.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can I arrange mediation if my ex won’t speak to me?
Yes. You can contact a mediation service yourself and arrange an initial discussion or MIAM. Your former partner does not need to contact the service with you.
Can my ex be forced to attend mediation?
Family mediation is voluntary. A mediator cannot force someone to participate or agree to a particular outcome.
What happens if my ex ignores the mediation invitation?
If mediation cannot proceed, the mediator can explain the next steps available to you and, where relevant, the documentation needed following a MIAM.
Can mediation take place without us speaking directly?
Depending on the circumstances, shuttle mediation may allow communication to take place separately through the mediator. The mediator must assess suitability.
Can mediation help us communicate better about our children?
Mediation can help parents discuss practical arrangements and explore clearer ways to communicate about their children after separation.
What if there has been domestic abuse?
Tell the mediator about any domestic abuse, coercive control, intimidation, threats or safety concerns. Mediation is not appropriate in every case, and the mediator will assess suitability and discuss the available options.
What if mediation doesn’t result in an agreement?
Reaching an agreement is not guaranteed. If mediation does not resolve the dispute, you can obtain independent legal advice about the other options available to you.
